


Undertale Clichés

by 4CrazyFriends, Pawpricez (4CrazyFriends)



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Sanscest - Freeform, alternative universes, cliches
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-01-22 20:04:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 9,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12489764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4CrazyFriends/pseuds/4CrazyFriends, https://archiveofourown.org/users/4CrazyFriends/pseuds/Pawpricez
Summary: You all knew it was gonna happenIncludes:*ships*A LOT OF SWEARING (I'm very foul-mouthed)*AUs*Pet Peeves (things that annoy me)*And more!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Aww yeah get ready cause I'm but to start doing what I do best which is rANTING
> 
> Also, small note, "you" doesn’t exactly mean you, just the nonexistant cookie-cutter writer.

(Alternative title: how-to for NOT sounding like a 3-year-old)

Ey all you mothers and fuckers, it's me Pawpricez giving you a new, fresh book!

You've seen the title, and you are reading this book now, so let's get right down to the dirty

Okay, first of all, most of the half-assed fanfictions I've read so far have had everything in one big ass hard-to-read harder-to-stand paragraph with quotes in it.

I'll give a example down below on what to do and not to do.

What not to do:

_Sans and I are going on a picnic! "Sans where are we going?" "To Waterfall" "Yay!" I bounced up and down_

Okay, that's enough torture. But do you see what I'm getting at?  
There is too much vagueness on what's happening. How is "I"? Is it US! Sans? Papyrus? Peter fucking Pan? How are they saying it? What actions are happening?! WHAT'S GOING ON?!?!

What to do:

_Sans and I are going on a picnic!_  
"Sans, where are we going?" I asked him, and he glanced at me for a second  
"To Waterfall."  
"Yay!" I smlied as I bounced up and down. Waterfall has always been my favorite place, along with the other's in Littletale! 

Now do you understand the importance of spacing out your quotes? It's much more pleasing to the eye and makes it easier to understand who's talking, what's happening and what the character(s) thinks

Now let's move on to punctuation.

What not to do:

_1: Sans put away the plates,while I cleaned them. (Alternative: Sans put away the plates , while I cleaned them . )_

_2: Blue bounced around happily, "That is so awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_

_3: "I like cheese onion garlic and pepper."_

_4: Everything was fine and dandy.......................... until that day_

Figure one: You need to put a space after the comma, and not before the comma, either. It's easy cleanup, just add or subtract a space. It isn't rocket science.

Figure two: There should be no more than three exclamation points or question marks, and even so, should rarely be used.

Figure three: Have you seen the commas I use? They are good for many things, like making lists, spacing out things, the such.

Figure four: There should be no more than three, four or five periods, because any more and that's a clusterfuck of "BORED" written for your readers to loose interest

What to do:

_Sans put away the plates, while I cleaned the dishes._

_Blue bounced around happily, "That is so awesome!"_

_"I like cheese, onion, garlic and pepper,"_

_Everything was fine and dandy... until that day_

 

Now let's talk about nouns

I kmow, I know, you are probably sighing and rolling your eyes, thinking "I learned this in second grade!"  
But I honestly highly doubt you learnt this bullshit because I have never seen any proper nouns capitalized.

Let's start this class session

Nouns: teacher, mountain, car (Also called non-specific or common nouns)

Proper nouns: Ms. Leeper, Mount Everest, Volvo

A name (Donald Trump) is capitalized. Therefore, "sans" must not be a name.  
A place (White House) is also capitalized. So "mt ebott" is not a place.  
And a thing (Limousine) is-- once again-- capitalized. You get the point.

Also, why so many damn timeskips? More than three within 300 words will bore anyone the fuck out. And why do you add some things to it? I.e., "timeskip brought to you by 'the Jesus sponge'! It will clean so well you'll scream Jesus Christ!" Just fucking write "timeskip" and be done with it, we don't need any sponsorship.

And please, please, please, for the love of grammar, fucking get your shit together and spell correctly.  
It's fucking bullshit if you can't spell "thrown room" correctly, damnit there's GOOGLE, SPELLCHECK AND AUTOCORRECT FOR A FUCKING REASON

And if you say you can't write fight scenes, oh, let's see, you can hire someone, use one of those fucking annoying ass timeskips you love to use, or maybe you can CRY A RIVER, BUILD A BRIDGE, GET OVER IT AND FUCKING WRITE!

And please, don't suddenly add another language all the sudden that is not needed there, especially with no translation. It's an annoying ass thing and with people who don't know fucking Spanish it's going to be on their mind all day, and Google translation sucks.


	2. Honest Opinions (HP): InkError / Paperjam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween and Day of the Dead!

I'm ~not~ sorry to all those who adore this ship, but honestly it's becoming bullshit.

No Error isn't going to get over haphephobia _that fast_

 _He isn't going to call Ink "Inky"_ *angrily scribbles out the y*

And ffs DO YOU NOT REMEMBER HIS NEARSIGHTEDNESS?

Ink is not a high god who's fucking holier than God himself

He's fucking _mischievous at best_

**AND HE DOESN'T "BELONG" TO ERROR, SHUT! THE! FUCK! UP!**

Okay I had to do that, but let's get on to the real chapter

How they would attract:

Remember the whole "opposites attract" thing, people  
^^^ + their personalities fit quite well  
It could be that they are soulmates in some soulmate story???? (Someone do this without all those ^^^ bullshit clichés and I'll scream and love you forever)  
... that's all I got

How they would repel:

Ink seems like the one who loves to touch, and with Error's haphephobia...  
Headcannon: Everytime Error destroys a universe, it hurts Ink. And if Error doesn't destroy, he himself soon goes into physical pain. Imagine that, just _imagine that_  
I believe even Error wouldn't change any bad thoughts about Ink  
Imagine Ink pulls a prank on Error, than imagine all those _fucking strings_. This isn't even sexual, just imagine him tearing Ink into tiny pieces.  
With the "holier-than-thou" cliche, they'd be too opposite to even attract.

Major turnoffs thanks to the fandom:

Poorly written FF and Smut/lemons/what-have-you  
*someone has another OTP involving Ink, i.e. painted fruit* "EMG INK BELONGS WITH ERROR!!!1!1!1ONE11!"  
"Inky"  
Alt: "Kinky Inky"

 

Get your shit together, people. I hate having my ships dissed just because they have Ink in it and no Error in sight.


	3. OCs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one I'm not especially happy about but whatever
> 
> A bit more offensive than the others, sorry.

I'm so fucking tired of boss monsters, skeletons and cat ears everywhere. No, it doesn't fucking matter if your cute babe furry boss monster OC Rose lives in the capital, and is really likeable, because that is just like every other cookie-cutter half-assed flat-butt OC. I want something remarkable. Something different.

Don't know what to do?

Here, take a look at this OC of mine: Swish.

She is a biped (two-legged) slime/dog mix

Have another peep show of another OC, Leafoid.

Leafoid is a quadruped (4-legged) plant/wolf/bunny mix, who is a hermaphrodite but prefers she/her.

Not getting the picture? Here's Amit.

He's a quadruped that was inspired by a horse and a lion mix, but canonly he's neither.

If you're not getting it, here's what I'm saying: MIXES!

STUMPED ON WHAT TO DRAW? DO A MIX OF TWO DIFFERENT ANIMALS! LIKE A ELEPHANT AND A BEAR!

WANT TO MAKE A STATEMENT ON WHERE THE OC LIVES OR CLIMATES IT PREFERS? MIX IT!

MIX IT! TWIST IT! BOP IT!

Guys, I don't know about you, but despite how overused the two species are, I would legit scream if someone managed to pull off a Boss Monster/Skeleton mix perfectly (like, a skeleton of a boss monster vs patches of fur or bone)

And hey, wouldn't a skeleton/fish be awesome too? OR A PREHISTORIC FISH!!!

Hell, maybe a skeleton that's actually a ghost!

Who knows! Maybe even a dinosaur that lives in cold climates!

(Haha, but in all honesty, I don't think anyone can pull off a human/monster mix. I'm fine with ships like Frisk x Papyrus or Chara x Asriel, but I think their genes are too different from ours to be able to impregnate or be impregnated. Physical matter mixed with magical matter? Doesn't seem to mix to me.)

(For those who don't get it btw,  
Boss Monster/Skeleton = Toriel x Sans  
Skeleton/Fish = Papyrus x Undyne  
Prehistoric fish = Undyne x Alphys  
Skeleton that's a Ghost = Papyrus x Mettaton  
Dinosaur That Lives in Cold Climates = Alphys x Asgore)  
(P.S., I only ship Undyne x Alphys. The others are cute but I'm not a huge fan.)


	4. Generic "x Readers"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so mad

Let's play a drinking game. Take a shot of alcohol everytime you read that the human fell into the underground, you will die from alcohol poisoning in a few minutes I shit you not.

Fuuuucking heeeeellll all these bullshit clichés make me want to throw the story into Waterfall for the monsters to read and facepalm

Why not have them meet online? Fucking Tumblr for Alphys and Facebook for Sans and Papyrus

Why is it that they always meet you in school, accidentally bump into you or just somehow found you?

Why not, if it's Mafiatale, Underfell or Underlust, why not have the reader meet then in a speakeasy bar? Or in a drug rehab? In jail, perhaps?

WHY WHY WHY

WHY IS UF SO NICE TO THE READER AT FIRST SIGHT?!?!?!

UL SANS NOR UL PAPYRUS ISN'T JUST GONNA PIN YOU ON A WALL AND DO BAD THINGS TO YOU WITHOUT CONSENT (HOLY SHIT THIS IS A RANT FOR ANOTHER TIME)

Okay, I get it, I know a lot of Undertale fans want that delicious bag of bones to fuck em hard (hell, I'll admit that I have read sans x reader fanfiction... a couple of times.)

But damn if you are making it a AU Sans and/or want it to be as close to canon as possible get your fucking shit together, because Sans in the base game isn't some super morbidly depressed fuck all the damn time that constantly does bad things to himself (not in a sexual way, damnit) and sure as hell US Sans (if he's the older brother) is-- while probably Optimistic-- is not a fucking 2 year old on Mary Jane who doesn't know sex and only cooks damn tacos and is not good at it apparently (p0pcornpr1nce is doing barrel rolls in their grave right now from this bullshit)

"In love with my bully"?! My sincerest 'fuck you' goes to, *drum roll* you!

It's a inevitable thing. It's happened to every fandom. Percy Jackson, Hunger Games, Creepypasta/MH, FNAF, oh jeez, the list goes on and on...

But seriously, for a fandom that has more AUs than MLP, LPS, SU and Gravity Falls combined, you'd think we'd have more creativity than to make this highschool Mean Girls bullshit!

Seriously, Let's say-- how about UF Papyrus, who is a racist brother of a bitch who constantly beats you to 1 HP and all you can think about is his sexy fangs?!? How hard did he hit you in the head, you dumb bitch!?

What's worse is if when he finds out how cruel you are to yourself and what's happening behind closed doors does he stop. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

NO! HAVE ANOTHER FUCKING MONSTER SHOW HIM WHO'S KING OF THE HEAP! OR, MAYBE, IDK YOU BECOME KING SHIT!

I've only known one bully out of the many I've had (~100, both kids and adults) that stopped his ways when he realized one of the girls he was bullying started cutting herself. I don't even know if that's true, because the person who told that to me is known for narcissistic and sociopathic traits, and he was not my bully per se (He's from another school). SO WHY THE FUCK IS IT IN EVERY FF LIKE THIS?!

Oh, and the main human lives so conveniently and coincidentally by Mt. Ebott.  
*grabs travel suitcases, sleeping bag in under my arm, screaming "NOPE NOPE NOPE" while jumping out the window*

Let it be coincident you fucking got ripped to shreds and are being eaten by cannibals by finding fucking Error


	5. Underswap Sans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woo-hoo double update!

I'm so fucking angry about Blue's characterization in fanfictions it's not even funny

First off it's those God damned cookie-cutter fucking stories, I say in a million quotes, because I sincerely believe they should do a mandatory deletion _rampage_ to those who use the fucking dog pile of copy and paste shit of the storyplot "Abused Red goes to Underswap". (Except for The Strangest Alternative Universe, which I throughly enjoyed the slow burn and thought the author did a good job despite the clichéd storyline.)

Next thing on the list is that they make him a _terrible_ cook. Even worse if he's the older brother because you'd think with that much determination he'd be a rich chef by now or at least decent but nope! Everybody wants p0pcornpr1nce to roll in their fucking grave right now because of this bullshit.

Like fucking hell I just want to throw all these shit headcannons in a coffin and burn it at the stake because it's just so annoying to read this over and over and over and over again. The only way to truely put my feelings into words is to find an audio clip of screams from hell for 24 fucking hours. I just want to stab myself repeatedly in the fucking eyes than grab a fucking gun and swallow it for ever reading those fucking stories.

Than next is he acts fucking _childish._ If you touch me with that type of story I'll chop off your hand and feed it to the fucking dogs man. Stop slamming your fucking face on the keyboard and making a 100 chapter "story" because if you make Blue an adult in the story and make him act this way it's sure as hell not worth reading.

Btw, if you ever make any of these type of stories dedicated to me you'll get front row seats to watch me swallow a 10 pound brick _w h o l e_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made two Hollywood Undead references in this chapter. Good luck-- I mean, Have fun trying to find em!


	6. Merry kiss-my-ass

Since it's tis of season I'd thought I'd share a little donation of my love

Oh Sans wants to confess his undying love for fucking Papyrus or Toriel but can't because it will ruin their friendship forever? I guess he didn't have the jingle balls for it than! It's even WORSE if the other loves them back and it's so damn _obvious_ and it makes me want to scream at the screen "GODDAMNIT JUST FUCKING KISS ALREADY YOU ASSHOLES!" I get if it's a slow burn but we aren't dogs, so stop holding the treat just out of reach.

Don't be a Flowey.  
Nobody likes him.

*grabs fireproof shield as I wait to be ambused by Flowey fans with pitchforks, rotten tomatoes and torches who all fuck flowerpots*

For Christmas why the fuck are the presents so bland? A recipe book for Papyrus, a hoodie for Sans (or a ketchup bottle, or a free ketchup coupon), spear repair kit for Undyne, anime for Alphys... What the fuck?? Why not a plastic but real looking plate of pasta for Papyrus to remind him of the important things of life?! Or a fucking Irobot for Sans since he can't sweep the damn floors. How about stuff for new teachers for Undyne?! Or a gameboy with Pokémon for Alphys?! Oh and it's always for Christmas because, I mean really, nobody ever does Hanukkah, Chanukah, Karamu or other holidays that happen in December that gives gifts, because it's all fucking _dead_ along with my will to live.

Why is it always a Christmas party between Frisk's close friends? Why not a huge ass party where both monsters AND humans are invited from around the world? I legit would love to see some Russians and Japanese in those stories, too! Not just Britains and Americans!

Also, nobody does anything for fucking Frisk. I need to know what their ancestors were. Were they Irish? Chilean? Europeon/Argentinian mix? Asian? Japanese? Chinese? If someone does this with Charisk I'll love you to infinity and beyond.


	7. Sans From Other Aus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slight trigger warning: mention of r*pe

Aw yeah fuckers, today's the day of the Hollywood Undead concert that's near me and with every penny included we need 320$ for the trip and even with my allowance combined we don't have enough cha-ching to go to it so now I'm in a fuckin' pissy attitude, because I love those fuckers for 4 fucking years and have only been able to express it with shitty memes since my sister refuses to have me buy any of their albums or stuff because she thinks that they are too ~vulgar~ or some shit, and if I ever did buy something from them she threatened to break the CDs and do whatever to everything else. So get ready cause I am NOT in a good fuckin' mood.

First and foremost, Sans' a depressed shit, Red is a woman on her period, Blue is a hyperactive asshole, Geno is a morbid shit, Reaper wants to not kill and also wants Geno-fuckin-chan, and the list goes on.

So hey guys, did you know that looking up characters and researching about them can make your story 100x better than it was before?! I know, the fucking crazy ass idea, huh?!!??!? It seems completely _preposterous_ considering doing any fucking **research** before having Dream and Cross making 69 mother-fuckin' babies while Nightmare's fucking _dead._

Are ya doing one that has amnesia?! Than do research and don't place them in a setting where their friends can remind them already! Yes, I know they are a different race than humans but damnit **do your fucking _RESEARCH_**. It's one of the best things your can do for yourself is to research whatever you are going to do. Little unknown fact, Feral Monster was based off a Feral Child known as Genie, and I only got the idea after reading it! Research helps with many things, people! 

I just got off point. Oop. Whatever, let's start with Sans and Red. You all _know_ I hate those bullshit condiment obsession memes. In reality, Sans also drinks mustard and relish, so Red must too! Oh wait, that's right, nobody plays Undertale anymore, silly me! But I swear to _fuck_ these assholes bond over/break up over fucking condiments and if that doesn't make me want to _kill myself_ enough I don't know what else. I hate that shit so much, it's fucking stupid as hell and who the fuck would fight over whether ketchup or mustard is better?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I would rant on the bad things of Blue's characterization but I've done that already in "Underswap Sans" and etc, so I think I have my point across. All I have to say is that I personally think he's the kind of guy who has the smile that can fool, that would make you think that he's the most sweetest monster in all the world, but he'd be quite the opposite. Not yandere though, that leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

For Geno, he's been flattened paper-thin. All he is, is depressed. While that can be used effectively, that's almost every other Geno and it's gotten kind of old. Why not have him be very mature, but also still has the characteristics of UT Sans? Like enjoying puns with the Lady behind the door, hanging out at Grillby's, doing dumb shit with his brother, etc. Want to know the best Geno I've ever read? It was Afterdeath, and Geno said a pun. Here, I'll write it down below

_"What does a skeleton tile his roof with?" Geno asked, smile wide, "Shin-gles!" He said, doing jazz hands. It sounded like something a Sans would say_

Or whatever. It's very close to that. Point is, try to make a more rounder Geno. The paper's gotten pretty thin.

Reaper's always this skeleton that wants to not be Death. I'll admit, I have done this before.

...

It's terrible.

It's hard to write Reaper, so I'll give them that. But I feel like Reaper is also very mature. Maybe not as much as Geno, but still mature. Reaper should also maybe be into bird watching, animal watching and nature, because I'd think he'd be very curious about life. I'm also pretty sure he'd always give almost everyone a little extra time left before he'd reap them, depending on who they are. And likes to garden. Idk why.

Lust isn't fucking shallow or a fucking slut. He has a personality, but you keep spewing this load of fucking **bullshit** and making everyone else think otherwise. He isn't just going to beat his meat like a fucking butcher and leave you, give me a break. AND STOP MAKING HIM OUT LIKE HE'S A R*PIST MY GOOD FUCKING GOD!!! I censored it just in case, but there's an a where the asterisk is. I think you'll figure it out.

And okay I can understand where it translates to Red being an asshole or Error being a fucking mass murderer but what the fuck went wrong with the others.

Ink is not a fucking holy ass person, he's canonly mischievous at best. Error, Ink nor Fresh has fucking AUs as far as I know. And no, the Doodle Sphere or the Anti-/Void are not AUs you crackhead kid. Why doesn't Ink self harm himself but makes it look like markings? Or have Fresh just sometimes lying down for hours trying to understand his meaning?

I dislike the "Good Twin, Evil Twin" Cliché. A lot. There's a reason I don't really like writing Dream or Nightmare because it makes me cringe so hard my nose grows a nose which grows a nose and prompts the original nose to say "Don't ever talk to me or my nose or my nose's nose ever again". However, I can tolerate reading it most of the time. But recently...

_**DREAM'S NOT FUCKING "PURE" AND INNOCENT, SHUT YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW!** _

For the love of God and heaven don't make Dream that. Nobody's truely "pure", don't go fucking giving me that look you little shit, because I know you've been thinking that in your crusty ass mind and I fucking hate it when people make Dream or Blue pure.

This isn't a fucking Bible parody.

Stop making them Eve and Mary.


	8. HP: Undertale Papyrus

Hells yeah, this was literally suggested to me around two days ago by Dragonsrule18 on Ao3 and all I have to say is I'm fucking _excited_

I like Papyrus. He's my second favorite character in canon Undertale, Undyne taking first. I love how Toby Fox played him throughout the entire game, how Temmie Chang designed him and changed him to the one we know today (versus the fedora-wearing mean Papyrus). And just like any other awesome character, he has his ups, downs, pros, cons, quirks and whatever else like any other well-known and well-loved character

The fanfictions for him though,  
Are like Debby-Downers.

In the canon version of Papyrus, he recognizes that Sans is secretive. Papyrus is also very clever at times, seeing as he uses reverse psychology on Undyne to befriend the protagonist. The downsides to him, is that at times he's naive, innocent and maybe a little too nice, seeing as in the Genocide route he doesn't know what monster dust is, tries to talk to the human about change and spares them, and even while he's beheaded tries to talk about that he believes the human can still change. And despite seeming narcissistic at first due to his grandiosity about being great and famous, in reality since Papyrus actually cares a lot about people (I.e., Frisk, Sans, Undyne...) he truely could not be so. He just appears like he is because he believes in himself and is following his dream! And therefore It's a nice balance that makes Papyrus loveable and relatable!

The fanon version of this adorable cupcake though is much, much worse.

He's naive and super oblivious about everything, including Sans being secretive, depressed, teleporting, the such. He cooks and eats spaghetti and spaghetti only, never having his favorite food ("the oatmeal with the dinosaur eggs") or Sans cook for him time-to-time, even though Papyrus doesn't eat his pasta because he thinks everyone loves it so much that, with that much love in his heart, decides to give it freely instead of eating any himself. He hates puns even more than in the canon version, has less compassion and just feels like a rough, sandpaper version of his actual self (ha puns).

Now compare the two together. Who would you rather read? The canon? That's what I thought.

C'mon people! Toby Fox gave you a good weapon, one that can be used to break a reader's heart or brighten it! Do you not believe me?! Fine!! I'll show you!

_Sans loved Papyrus. No, that was an understatement. Sans ADORED Papyrus._

_But as much as Sans adored him, he wouldn't understand. No, that's not true. He would probably think that Sans was unright or unfit to be an older brother. Or think that he was absolutely crazy for thinking about killing or hurting himself. Or maybe he would refuse to believe that Sans was feeling this way and end up just like him._

_Sans couldn't tell._

Maybe that will be more heartbreaking when the full story is released. But already from that it can sadden your day. So, hey, how about a more happier story including him?

_"You're so much happier when you smile for real. Why don't you more often?"  
"You don't understand why, Papyrus. I'm depressed. Everything hurts, everything's pushing me down. I've... I've refrained for telling you I've been like this for a while."  
"Why didn't you tell me earlier, Sans?"  
"Because I can't. You would never understand it, Papyrus. Brother, I love you, but just saying that I should talk about it, see a psychiatrist or so on won't help me. Just postponing my execution."_

_"Sans, don't say that", Papyrus gasped, gripping my hand more tightly. "I lost enough people to depression. Don't make me lose my brother too. You're loved and you're amazing. If you can't tell you are, then... then heck, I will keep telling you. I know I'm not an expert when it comes to suicide but I've got experience when it comes to the subject so I will be able to offer you support."_

_"Thanks, bro. I really appreciate the effort", I smiled, feeling relieved as he finally knew and I was able to breathe again. He was there for me and he didn't act like he knew everything or nothing on the subject. It made me believe in a better end. I stared off into the distance, eyes unfocused once more as my thoughts drifted away._

Do you see how much better it is when Papyrus isn't totally innocent, but still a loveable pup? Don't tell me you didn't feel slightly down first than happier later. He's an effective weapon when used right!

But than again, if you give stupid people powerful weapons, they are known to hurt themselves. I hate the cookie-cutter stories including him, and no wonder people laugh at our face! They think we are, oh I don't know, a shit stain, an ass wipe, or any other word from a to z, because what they think good writers write and what we actually do are very much different because of the cookie-cutter stories.

And while I love someone who truely has been able to keep Papyrus super canon, I also don't mind creativity. Just remember... People can and will change, just remember to have a reality check. Papyrus via canon is super sweet, so him becoming a bloodthirsty son of a probably isn't going to be very realistic.

And for creating an alternative of him... do whatever you want! If you want him to be a sharp-toothed humanoid ant, so be it! If you want him to be a Hispanic disabled human, that's fine! If you want to make him a grouchy old monster with a phobia of laundry, (yes I made that up) so. Be. It.

And remember... Banõs means bathroom in Spanish and I will flush your head DOWN the toilet if you don't be creative for once *does Flowey's wink*

**Key points to remember:**

**Make sure to check the Wikipedia and watch/play Undertale often to keep the idea of the canon character(s) in mind!**

**To have a favorite character, make them relatable, loveable, empathetic and unique. To have a hated one, do the exact opposite.**

**Let your imagination run free but have reality checks now and then.**


	9. HP: Undyne!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the hiatus!

Yet again this was requested by Dragonsrule18 so everyone give an applause to them!

As mentioned in the previous chapter, Undyne is my favorite character. She's so fucking amazing like Oh my god. She's a strong female role model, she's soft with a hard shell, she's a HOMOSEXUAL ANTHRO PIRANHA!!! AND I FUCKING LOVE HER CHARACTERIZATION IN THE GAME JRHKWWNSOXHWIROWO

But wanna know what's a nah moment?

When Undyne's only characteristic is that she's loud.

That is her.

Loud.

This makes me angry! So angry that I want to do a Peter Finch where I open the window and scream "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!" To all the neighbors. What the hell did this translate from?! Gibberish??!! Undyne might be shouting when she's angry or excited but she's not a fucking loudmouth! She isn't Papyrus where he's always in full caps!

Also,

*gets off bed* *jumps thru window* *walks 2 city* *deep breath* *screaming* PAIRING UNDYNE WITH PAPYRUS OR ASGORE OR METTATON OR WHATEVER MAN IS _**LESBOPHOBIC!!!1!1, 2!1!!×!2!1!1!#!÷!×!!!+!+!#!*+1!!+!××!**_

I get if it's like a drunken fling or something but if you are trying to make it close to canon and make Undyne really interested in Papyrus or whoever despite Alphys being present than it's kind of breaking the canon version of Undyne. HOWEVER, if it's an ALTERNATIVE UNDYNE, I will allow it. I.e., in Feral Monster, Swapfell Undyne isn't interested in Alphys due to how violent and gossipy she is, and instead likes someone else who, on the outside has to look malevolent, is actually a kind person. Go check it out if you want to know who.

Also, psst, how can people understand Undyne with that stupid iron or steel helmet on her head? Seriously, is this magic or am I being punked?! Because I'm pretty sure she'll be like Kenny from South Park with that

"*muffle muffle muffle*"  
"Wtf did she just say?"  
"She said you're a little bitch"

Yeah. Basically that. I have NO idea how Papyrus manages to hear her.

Btw, where's Undyne with the piano lessons? She used to teach Shyren piano lessons before the protagonist arrived in-game. And just before you start the hang out with her, you can hear her bangin' piano keys. Actually, now that I say that, where's her playful threats against Frisk? Or her weird obsession on trying to gross out Papyrus?

And actually, talking about Papyrus, does Undyne ever realize how mysterious he is? Look it up if you don't believe me. We actually know more about Sans or Gaster than we do Papyrus. Ya know... Why doesn't Undyne mention to Frisk at one point about how worried she is about how much of a liar and secret-keeping Papyrus is? Undyne's probably an adult so no doubt would she be able to notice that.

Hey, doesn't anybody remember how when the protagonist and Undyne hang out or did we all get hit by the Stupefy spell?? Undyne used to be a hotheaded kid, she didn't know Alphys or Papyrus until their adult years (Well- Alphys' adult years), or her great dislike for Mettaton (despite having an MTT brand in her own house) or how she hates cold food, or how she was almost like Monster Kid when she was a kid herself?

Another thing I haven't really seen around is about Undyne disappearing in the shadows in canon Undertale. Is it magic? Some similar to Sans' teleportation? She seems to have done it multiple times when she is trying to kill you (i.e. the room before you fall down into the garbage dump) but it seems most of the fandom is like "LOL NOPE TIEM TO COOKIE CUTTER HER AND HAVE HER MAKE BBTYFUL BBIES WITH ALPHYS!!!+!×!×!×"


	10. OMAuthor

We all have that one pet peeve. That one thing that gets on our nerves that authors do a lot.

**cracks knuckles** I was just reading some sanscest bullshit when it happened. Yes it. I'm sorry, but I don't like it when you self insert yourself into a story. No, a humanoid demon dragon weird lookin' thing doesn't belong in a book focused on just Sans boning himself, it just makes me and others uncomfortable.

I know authors will argue about that, so why not do an example?

_Geno was talking to Pawpricez when Reaper came up, obviously just arrived to the Sans party._

For those who don't know, my main character is Swish, who's NOT an alternative Sans. See how unfit it sounds, especially given it was in a SANS party? It just sends horrible chills down my spine.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE: (This time, usiiiing... how about Galli's skelesona!)

_Error watched Ink turn to dust. He cried, realizing he just broke a promise. He wished for Ink to come back, but it didn't work._

_"So, you find yourself in this predicament," Galli came from behind Error. "So, tell me, are you ready?"_

_"Ready for what?"_

_"To meet Ink."_

_Error would've been stupid if he didn't notice Galli had a knife in their hand._

This is kind of better when the OC fits the mood, but it's just not the best. Do you think Geno or Reaper would've been better in place of Galli?

(Also, sorry guys, I just gotta say this real quick: I'm going to be posting prices for art and writing commissions. Drop by my Tumblr (the same name as my Wattpad Account/AO3 Pseudo) and check it out! I will have starting prices from two US dollars to ten US dollars! ****Note: I'm not actually doing this, I'm just setting an example**)**

I hate those long, annoying, unrelated A/Ns. I can get the ones in the beginning or end, but in the middle of the chapter..? No, I don't want to hear you talk about how much you love kittens in a tense moment. It gets old real quick.

Talking about things getting old real quick, why is it that when the author hasn't updated in like 1,234,567,890 years, updates just to say sorry for not updating?! If you want me to forgive you, WRITE AN ACTUAL CHAPTER!

And when the A/N is longer than the chapter.

I'm not even going to comment on that. You all understand already

Another thing; while it's more of a problem on Wattpad than anything else, why is it that when the author updates, the chapter is about being "Tagged"? I'm sorry, but you should be writing that on a tags book, not on your most popular book.

Talking about popular books, why are some popular authors such assholes? I'm not even trying to call someone out, I'm really wondering. I mean, if you want to be rude to the same people who comment/kudo/reshare your books, go right ahead. The only problem with that is people will start boycotting you and you'll end up with- * _gasp_ *- no fans! Really? Do you not see that from the very beginning?! It's one thing if the person has been very rude to you first, but it's a whole other thing when you are just picking catfights. Do you think J. K. Rowling would be at all popular if she was a complete bitch?

Why all the time skips? If you asked me, limit yourself to three or so in every chapter, doing around 400 words at least before the next skip. I have broken this rule once. It was in Feral Monster.

Note too to not have too many words. 800-1,000 is more than enough for the next chapter. Less can be lazy and more is just a clusterfuck of information to absorb. Remember- _It is okay to break this rule!_ I have done 500 words in a chapter of Bad Moon and more than 1,000 in a chapter of Feral Monster! The only problem is that if you have done this consistently with the less words people will just get bored of the tiny chapters and lengthy waits, and more can sometimes not be better!

Please remember to proofread, by the way. No matter how good of a plot you might have, spelling errors can make you look extremely silly. Would you read _Harry Potter_ if it had more than twelve grammatically incorrect sentences? I don't think so.

I also dislike when characters are just so out of it. No, Underfell Papyrus isn't secretly nice. Underswap Sans isn't a sexual immature little shit. Error isn't going to cuddle with Ink on day one of dating. Heck, I don't even know why Error would date Ink in the first place (and vice versa). Ink doesn't really have emotions and Error's... Error. Did they just suddenly be replaced by imposters?


	11. HP: Alphys

Fuck yeah, after a small hiatus I'm ready and back again! This one wasn't requested but I wanted to rant on her.

First offense I find is that Alphys can eat 37,000 pounds of food and gain like n o weight??? She's drinking ten gallons of soda, eating fifty cookies, twenty pizzas and like 70,000 packets of ramen and is a size zero while I'm over here drinking an 8 oz glass of chocolate milk (An _8 oz glass_ ) and I gain 100,000,000,000 pounds of fat like what the hell? What is this? Am I being punked?!

And while we're on the subject, why the hell is Alphys depicted as a skinny stickpick supermodel??? In canon isn't she overweight? Even if it's because she's slouching and short but not obese she's not fucking Aphrodite on a throne of hotcakes and gold thank you very much.

P.s., I do know that once you meet Alphys you find out her crush is Undyne (though you can any of the answers and you be "right") she isn't always acting lovey-dovey in front of her. It's canon some of their interactions could be seen in a platonic light (i.e., Alphys making Undyne that seaweed grass ice cream, both of them eating quiche at a bench, etc). No, I'm not saying that you shouldn't make Alphyne canon because I need my homo representation, but I'm saying don't make all of Alphys' thoughts on Undyne. She has the True Lab, Mettaton, Asgore and the human to deal with, too.

By the way; Why is it that when you try to make it canon as possible, why do you have Undyne and Alphys meet at school? In canon Undertale, they were adults when they first met each other at the dump.

Also; Why the fuck is every other fanfiction about Alphyne going to the beach like in the True Pacifist end credits? Seeing it once is enough to last me a lifetime, but reading about it too..? I hope the beach catches on fire and that version of Alphys and Undyne die in a fiery blaze because I sincerely believe it needs to die in fucking _fire_ , and I too wish to jump in that fire so I too can burn as I want to just die every time I read that cookie-cutter bullshit.

Another pet peeve: Alphys is defenseless.

Wtf.

No, that's not correct. At all.

Alphys HAS magic! She has electric magic! Didn't the true pacifist ending say that enough when she was defending you against Flowey?! Another thing that I hate is when Alphys wants to be part of the Royal Guard, which I find to be ripping off Papyrus' dream. Plus, it leaves a terrible taste in my mouth as when Alphys and alternatives are in the Royal Guard (a reason why US Alphys hasn't shown up in Feral Monster)

This is so much shorter then I wanted it to be but to be fair, there's a pleasantly surprising amount of original work and things that make sense and aren't annoying. I've covered all the basics and things I've found but if I left something out that might need to be addressed please say so in the comments below!


	12. The Cookie Cutter Crossmare

I was going through screenshots when I found a particularly interesting photo. It included Cross posing like a french girl, saying "Senpai" to Nightmare.

Wtf!

So I found one of those pet peeves that annoy the fucking fuckers out of me.

Here how this usually goes: Cross is "hired" by Nightmare and is in a castle. He always refers Nightmare as Senpai. One day Cross calls Nightmare that one too many times. Either one of three things happen, the most common going first. Cross ends up going into bed with Nightmare, whether by heat, annoyance/hatred or full on forcing or being forced (which, by the way, have I ever said consent is sexy? Well, it is.). Another thing that happens is fluff. The third is Cross dying by either suicide or by Nightmare (in both cases where Nightmare lashes out).

Let's count what went wrong here.

Everywhere.

First thing is why do people not do a little backstory of how the fuck Cross got there in the first place? Did you all just do a stupid thing where you ate shit and now spewing it out? Please people, does it handicap you to research? Might as well change it from the president's motto to everyone's motto: "Knowledge just ruins everything."

Okay; I do not know if it is canon or not that Cross calls Nightmare Senpai. If it is I'm just going to curl up in a hole and die, because I think that Cross' characterization would make him not say punk ass shit like that. In the case that he does for some odd reason, like because he's somehow lovestruck with the fucking God of War, evil and other coolio stuff (which, trust me, I know from experience that when you are in love you would do things you'd never do) then why not have Cross call him Husbando or a more accepted, NON "weeaboo"-ruined title?

Another thing is wHY THE FUCK DOES NIGHTMARE TOLERATE THAT?! ISN'T HE SUPPOSED TO BE EVIL OR SOME SHIT??? Okay from what I remember in the deleted Cream comic, love is a neutral feeling, not good or evil. I think you'd be able to bend the characterization from that Nightmare can only feel bad feelings to both neutral and bad. Even so, I'm surprised that that version of Nightmare hasn't freaking beheaded Cross all the times I've read this stupid cookie cutter.

Please tell me why you think heat affects Nightmare. Why would you do a heat fic when it's been done so many freaking times?? Look, to the person who made the first Undertale heat fic, brava to you. Kudos. But now it has ended up like Harry Potter or The Vampire Diaries with endless cookie cutters after it. Please. Just stop making heat fics, find another reason to get your OTP to fuck.

Okay, headcanon time. Only a small few monsters go into heat (Wolves, cats, dogs, bunnies etc). Saying that, this is why I hate the heat fanfics. Plus I hate it when there's another scientific name for skeletons in heat ("skeleheat") like if it's so different then just the breed of monster at least explain. If it isn't, just say "heat" or "monster heat" and be done with it. Jesus Crosst our lard and staples...

The fluff I will accept.

Kinda.

I just really don't think that Nightmare is the kind of "lovey-dovey better love story then Twilight" type of person. Maybe more of like a.. not tsundere, there's another term... Ack, fuck, I'll use that stupid word. I think he would grumble and scoff and/or full on ignore Cross if he started flirting, especially in front of others, but in reality he'd just be like "Why the fuck do I feel this way..?"

For the forced intercourse... Unless that's actually important for the plot (I.e., in "This House Is Not A Home"), don't fucking add it to the story. Also, why must you make Cross/Nightmare "like it"? I'm sorry, but even if it's with someone you are infatuated with I'm pretty sure you wouldn’t be like that. Seriously, make them feel dirty, violated or exposed after the incident, not like "I had sex and it felt good". What's even worse is if they do that and it just _never sticks with the character!_

Crosst, people these days...

And the last one where Cross dies.

How most people do the suicide thing just makes me want to throw up. I've- I've literally gagged at how some people have pulled it off. Okay, so, to those of you who have considered suicide but decided to keep going, brava to you! But to those whom make it out like suicide is something that isn't serious I swear to fucking Crosst I will rant on for days about it.

And how for Nightmare murders Cross, lemme tell you something real quick.

Nightmare isn't homicidal.

I know how weird that sounds, trust me it boggled even my mind for a while, but it is canon that he only manipulates, triangulates and isolates. The three "-lates". So yeah, please remember that. And if he has to murder I'm pretty sure he'll use his henchmen (and another thing he does want to kill his brother if I'm correct? So that's the exception).


	13. HP: Underfell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: rage-quit ahead.

Requested by Dragonsrule18 yet again!

I like Underfell.

I really do.

Because the fandom made the AU itself, there is no "owner" of Underfell, both fortunately... and unfortunately.

There's quite a number of creativity in this fandom. Take, for example, the number of AUs we have. Underswap, Underfell, Swapfell, Fellswap, Bitty Bones, Baby Bones, Dreamtale, Dreamswap (I FUCKING LOVE DS), Dreamfell, Flowerfell, Underwater, Oceantale, Firetale, Underlust, Swaplust, Underworld, Flowey Is Not A Good Life Coach, Bad Moon, Feral Monster, debatably Undertronic, Reapertale, Aftertale, Omega Timeline, Errortale, Inktale, Underfresh, et cetera et cetera et fucking cetera... the list goes on and on for perhaps infinity, as that is how many AUs we have.

Sadly... most are rather cookie-cutter or half-baked.

Take, for example, Underfell.

And now...

I'm not gonna hold back anymore, I'm gonna rant the shit out of this.

If I read one more fucking fanfiction that has abusive fucking Fell I'm making a parting gift that'll leave the author in two pieces. Where's the """"good"""" fucking idea of having an abused Red go to Underswap coming from?! Oh yeah! From your shitty fucking ass after gobbling up 15 other ones that are the same!!!

The abusive Fell cliché definitely can be done correctly, and trust me I've done it before in fanfiction, including Feral Monster, just to name one, so it isn't forbidden. But it just makes it so unnecessarily _angsty_ and more often than not I'm gonna just backspace, having wasted a few minutes of my life for reading your fucking _shit story._ I hate the "Abusive Fell" cliche with such a burning passion that I want to set the fucking person's hometown on fire. Granted, it might have been a decent idea when it was first made, but now it's like people are making the same goddamn Twilight books over and over again. Why do people eat up this cliche like it's a fucking turkey and it's thanksgiving?!?

I want a Fell that is portrayed as actually nice, not just doing bad things and labeling it as good. Sort of like in "Doomfanger" where he adopts a cat as a pet (though he denies it as such, saying it's a "beast"). He's sarcastic, rude and all that but he's an alright person despite how the Underground is.

Another thing I fucking hate is when the author crams all the information on Red's sad fucking life like

_**"My name is Sans. I am from the Underground, which is a shitty place to live in. It's kill or be killed. My brother abuses me. I'm too fucking lazy to dust him even though that would make my life 1000x better and it's super easy seeing as I'm extremely powerful, but I'm secretly nice and merciful even to the biggest pieces of shit in this world. I'm also suicidal and cut myself constantly."** _

I've seen this shit a thousand fucking times and it's always the same dumb ass bullshit and it makes me want to cry. For the love of Asgore, if you make Red slit his wrists and play it as something only "emo/angsty" phased people do and glorify it, you really need to piss off. Self harm is something serious, just like suicide, and if you have been sitting on the floor and crying your eyes out with a razor and contemplating suicide, than you will know what it's like to see this shit glorified. And why not something else besides the crimson touch of a razor? Why not burns from cigarettes or candles? Have them hit themselves on a rock or tree to make it look like an accident? Be careful though.

Also, I hate it when Fell's literally beating the shit out of Red, perhaps even r*ping him and than claims that he did it because he "loves his brother so much".

_**~SAY IT WITH ME EVERYBODY~** _

ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT SOMETHING TO GLORIFY, OR IDOLIZE. JUST. NO. _NO. **NO.**_ ****

**_NO!!!_ ** 


This is literally something that I will go to other people's pieces of works and actually SLAUGHTER THEM for. Okay, it's one thing if a: others are triangulated against Red via Fell's doing and b: they convince Red that Fell isn't actually a bad guy, just a very "emotional" monster and therefore Red gets caught between lies and truth and doesn't know which is which. That's one thing. (The other that the author actually tells people what Fell is doing so they don't become isolated and manipulated.)

But actually telling the reader that despite how horribly your partner can beat you up, manipulate you, drain you of your energy, ruin your life or anything else in that caliber, that secretly inside they love you and you should stay with them no matter what?!?!?!?1>>!122121>?1!?!2!2?>>11?!?!?>>>>!!??

**BENCH I'M STARTING TO SUSPECT _YOU_ OF DOING THAT SHIT NOW!**

But on a lighter note, don't get me started on the grammer of these stories. Hell no. Fuck that.

Don't get me wrong, I love Sanscest. I love Fontcest. But reading the same shit over and over again is not amusing or interesting in the slightest, But reading the same shit over and over again is not amusing or interesting in the slightest, But reading the same shit over and over again is not amusing or interesting in the slightest... It's basically that! The same goddamn copy and pasted 13 year old sex fantasy but with more fucking drama.

But not to say it isn't enjoyable once in a while. "The Strangest Alternative Universe" is one of those stories that works these clichés good. The character development was nice, I loved the headcannons and I loved the slow burn even more. I also liked another story with the same plotline, but I don't recommend reading as much as the first one because it has "Terrible Cook" Blue cliché and "Abusive Fell" Cliché. However, why I enjoyed it was because of the way the author included and handled binge eating. Don't judge me...


	14. HP: Underlust Sans

I told myself I wouldn't do it. I restrained myself to hold back. But now I'm so fucking tired of seeing these shitty clichés of him, and if nobody else will take a stand on this fucking dirty ass cliché, than I'll do it myself. 

So, I'll say this right now: Stop. Making. UL Sans. A. Fucking. R*PIST!!!

You make me weep for humanity. I stg if I see someone dedicate a story to me with Lust being a rapist and there's no warnings I'm going to just kill everything that breathes. Just because he's from a fucking AU surrounded by sex doesn't mean he is going to tackle you and do things to you.

If I ever, and I mean ever catch anyone role playing, writing, drawing or even saying Lust acts like that, I will fucking set the record straight. I'm tried of this cookie-cutter Lust! I'll even start a club called "Anti-cookiecutter UnderLust"!

But in all seriousness, you assholes maybe need to read fucking comic! in canon UL Lust is not a r*pist. Thirsty as hell, maybe, but not shallow as fuck. Because I'm pretty sure Underlust wouldn't be nearly as popular in the fan-favorite was a forgettable no-personality fuckbutt.

Also, why is Lust's permanent heat like never mentioned?!??!?!!?!?!?//?/!?!?/!//?!//!/?/./?!

HI YES IT'S VERY IMPORTANT YOU MENTION THAT IN THE STORY OR NOTES OR SOMETHING

Why? Because I want people to know why monsters in UL want to frick frack all the time. So, why's everybody in UL is thirsty in the first place? Because they have been injected with a substance called "lust" because reproduction rates were down. Surprise, surprise, motherfucker, Lust isn't a hunky punky cocksucker with no rhyme or reason.

Bonus: When Lust has sex addiction but the author thinks it's a good thing

EXCUSE ME but have you dumb shits ever read "Don't Call It Love"?! This is NOT something to joke about! Sex addiction isn't like "If you were to get addicted to something, this is the thing to get addicted to" Because it's not that at all. Would you enjoy someone handling something like depression but got all the facts so wrong?!?!?!

Also, I've searched on Wattpad a few lemons that include Lust, and -I kid you not- some of the paraphrased descriptions for the fanfics are "Lust likes to fuck. ___ is around. Read to find out what happens next!"

Well guess who's not gonna find out :D

In all seriousness, why the hell would you do another fanfiction with the same description as the previous one??? Either you make up your own summary or there just isn't any. Why not copy/paste a quote or a scene in the book? I often do this and I find that it helps. I.e., in Feral Monster with this description:

Undyne ran; her footsteps echoed though the true lab. Papyrus was in her arms, looking scared, whom was feeble and very vulnerable to the rage of Sans. Unable to heart the extremely malnurished and weak skeleton dying just because she wanted to keep him, she opened the teleporter's door and put him inside the machine. She had enough time to scribble down a small note for Papyrus _Hopefully one day our paths will cross again, Papyrus. Good luck, I'll miss you. With love, Undyne._ Making sure it was neatly folded and put away in his jacket's pocket, she gave Papyrus a goodbye hug. She closed the door and latched it, going to the control panel and typing down some coordinates for, hopefully, the surface. Confirming it caused the already dim lights to flicker as the teleporter took in energy, and the humming got louder and louder as it started its jump. A blinding light- and then it was gone.


Isn't that an amazing description on what you're writing? It's suspenseful, it's gripping, it leaves you wanting more. Hell, let me lovingly craft you another description for some smut I'm writing.

Lust gave out a sigh, his eyes meeting Error's, who was on their bed. Even after they had done this many times before, Error was still a little shy with the touch and revealing his body, but Lust didn't mind. In fact, he loved it. He loved Error so, so much. The shy kisses, the passionate frenchies, the fluttery feeling in their souls, the rare cuddles, the love making... Lust wanted Error to always have the best of times. The candles were lit, the lavender aroma wafting through the air. This is it. This is the time.


Yeah, I'm a smut writer and while currently I just have "Freak with some fangs, get some pussy now!" I assure you I'll have more of that lit shet out later.

Btw: "I'm sorry all my words always end in puns, jokes and flirting that are all about sex the author has never read a single thing about canon Underlust"

I can get if a percentage of his words are puns (intentional or not) but every other sentence? Fuck off.

Oh, and when Lust's crazy murderous/yandere in the fanfic?????>?>>?>???

What even is life 

And when the author thinks Lust's a girl.

Well fuck you are sure in for a surprise when that skirt flies up.

Expecting a long list? Clichés are short man. It's easy to catch them because they are so plentiful in the shared waters.

**Author's Note:**

> A small note, I usually just emphasis and over exaggerate things sometimes for the sake of comedy.


End file.
